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50 Cent Enjoying Retirement

MIAMI - Former rapper 50 Cent, appearing in the most recent issue of AARP Magazine, assured his fans that he is enjoying retirement and has been spending much of his free time working in his garden and playing golf. Earlier this month the popular hip hop entertainer honored his pledge to retire when rival Kanye West's new album sold more than his own release, Curtis. "Yeah, that was some f**ked up s**t," 50 Cent remarked to AARP, referring to West's Graduation which sold nearly 1 million copies in it's first week. "Motherf**kers was buyin' his s**t up like crazy." Fitty now lives in a comfortable retirement community not far from the ocean and says he has learned to take life at a more leisurely pace. He also has become an active voice in promoting political causes such as health care reform and expanding prescription drug benefits for seniors. "Yeah I be all up in Washington and s**t, rappin' about making they drugs more affordable and s**t like dat. It cool." When asked if he has any regrets about leaving his music career behind, Fitty insists "Nah, it ain't like dat. I'm a man a' my word an' this my way a' sayin' 'f**k you' to y'all who didn't buy my record."

Police To Commemorate 30th Anniversary By Breaking Up Again

The Police announced Wednesday that they will officially commemorate the 30th anniversary of their inception by breaking up at the conclusion of their North American tour in November. "It's been such a long time since I've not played with these guys, I'm looking forward to not playing with them again" Sting remarked at the impromptu press conference. Guitarist Andy Summer said the trio have made tentative plans to break off communication with each other sometime in December and by early next year will abort recording sessions for a new studio album. "It's exciting," enthused drummer Stewart Copeland. "How many successful bands have the opportunity to implode twice?" 

Kanye West And 50 Cent Compete For Illegal Downloads

The much-hyped simultaneous release of new discs from Hip Hop heavyweights Kanye West and 50 Cent on September 11th has sparked a competitive yet good-natured rivalry between the two rappers over whose albums will fetch the most illegal downloads on free file-sharing services such as Limewire and Morpheus. 50 Cent has already vowed to the media that he will retire if West's album Graduation is more popular among peer-to-peer file sharers than his own Curtis  while West for his part is boasting that hip hop fans were uploading pirated tracks from his disc online at least two months before it hit the store legitimately. "Everybody's already got my album, can 50 say that?" West cracked to Rolling Stone earlier this month. 50 Cent countered by wagering he will move at least 40,000 fewer CD's than West and need to tour "extensively" just to come out ahead financially.

Spears: VMA Performance Was "Supposed To Be Lame"

According to Britney Spears, her half-hearted performance at this year's MTV Video Music Awards was intentional. "You guys, it was supposed to be that lame!" Spears stated to a throng of reporters gathered outside New York's Club Lava. "You actually think I was trying to be cool? As if." Spears went on to say that she purposely cut down on the amount of 'vamping' during her performance because "dancing is for dorks." When asked if she also packed on 20 pounds on purpose, Spears responded "Duh, don't be such a retard."

Lamisil To Use Mellencamp Song As Center Of New Ad Campaign

NEW YORK - Novartis Pharmaceuticals unveiled it's stunning new marketing campaign this week for over-the-counter athlete's foot cream Lamisil, which is built around a new song by veteran rocker John Mellencamp. Mellencamp's song "The Fungus Among Us" will be featured in television commercials and is similar in spirit to the patriotic flag-waving anthem the singer contributed to Chevy's controversial "Our Country" spots. Amid striking black and white images of blue collar workers toiling in factories and fire and rescue workers courageously responding to emergencies, Mellencamp sings reverently of relieving the symptoms of "itching and burning" associated with athlete's foot, the second most common skin disease in America. "We believe athletes foot sufferers identify very strongly with Mr. Mellencamp's traditional heartland values and workingman ethics" said Kurt Graves, chief marketing officer for Novartis. "These powerful ads are sure to strike a chord with every American, particularly those seeking relief from tinea pedis."

Man's Gender Rights Terminated By Peers In Wake Of iPod Scandal

SEATTLE - 34 year-old Craig Stratton was stripped of his male privledges on Monday when over a dozen gender-inappropriate songs were found loaded onto his iPod Nano. The shocking discovery was made by three co-workers who found Stratton's mp3 player lying unattended on his desk and scrolled through the song library out of curiosity. Among the offensive tunes were Roxette's "The Look", Erasure's "Oh L'Amour", Duran Duran's "Rio" and at least three files by Everything But The Girl. Stratton admits that the songs in question belonged to him but plans to appeal the hastily-issued ruling on the grounds that several of the songs appeared on compilation CDs and were errantly copied to his Nano. "I don't even like rap, let alone Salt N' Pepa" Stratton argued, referring to the songs "Shoop" and "Let's Talk About Sex" which were cited in the original petition. "Anyone who knows me will tell you it is completely out of character for me to posess these tracks." A ruling on the appeal is expected by Monday.

Beatle Death Rumors Surface

A popular Beatles fan website claims to have uncovered a substantial number of subliminal "clues" embedded in album artwork, songs and documents that suggest ex-Beatle John Lennon is dead. Fabfour4ever.com speculates that the hidden clues, available for viewing on the website, were deliberately planted by the band to alert perceptive fans of John's demise. Some of the most compelling evidence compiled includes the Beatles' Abbey Road album cover in which John is dressed as an angel in white, an audio clip of the song "Yer Blues" in which John sings repeatedly of wanting to die, and a New York Times front page article dated December 9th, 1980 which, when held at a certain angle, appears to read that Lennon was assassinated by a deranged fan. Representatives from Apple Corps Ltd. were quick to dismiss the "John is Dead" hysteria as "pure rubbish", assuring the public that John is alive and well and "on holiday somewhere." Similar rumors surfaced about Paul McCartney as far back as 1969 and George Harrison as recently as 2001.

Breaking News: Hall And Oates Hoax Revealed To Public

John Oates Really A Lifelike Animatronic Creation

ORLANDO - Representatives from Walt Disney Imagineering and pop singer Daryl Hall held a joint press conference on Friday to reveal that John Oates, one-half of popular soul duo Hall and Oates, is actually an Audio-Animatronic robot. The shocking revelation was followed by a lengthy demonstration conducted by Disney engineers to illustrate the sophisticated technology involved in operating an authentic-looking human replica like Mr. Oates. Audio-Animatronics, first introduced to the public in the 1960's and incorporated into popular Disney theme park attractions such as "The Haunted Mansion" and "Pirates Of The Caribbean", are lifelike robots who move and sing to pre-recorded music. According to Disney, the John Oates prototype was conceived and assembled in the late sixties and purchased by Atlantic Records to be marketed as the first true synthetic pop star. Unfortunately the hydraulic system used to operate John's arms and legs limited his range of motion and the stunt could not be convincingly staged for the public as a solo act. Philadelphia soul singer Daryl Hall was recruited by the label to distract from the robotic movements of the life-size animatronic singer and the duo "Hall and Oates" was born. Hall recalled that he was approached by label heads prior to recording vocals for their first album, ironically titled Whole Oates, and informed of the controversial decision to keep the robotic identity of his partner a secret. He apologized for being party to "such a deceptive conspiracy" and stated his intention to continue making music with Mr. Oates "under more straightforward pretenses." 

Ja Rule To Retire From Music Business

Hip Hop star wants to spend more time with his pot

NEW YORK - Rap Artist Ja Rule will be leaving the music industry in order to spend more time with his enormously large stash of marijuana according to a statement issued by his press agent. The rapper, who has a 2004 arrest for Marijuana possession on his rap sheet as well as numerous weapons charges, will be retiring to the private sanctuary of his Saddlebrook, New Jersey home in order to "get about the business of burning some serious chronic." In the statement, Ja Rule apologizes to his fans and asks them to support him in his decision. "I feel like I've been so busy with my career that I haven't been able to attend to the things that really matter, like rolling and blazing some crazy-phat blunts."

Prince Changes Name To Hand Gesture

MINNEAPOLIS - A spokesman for pop superstar Prince read a statement prepared by the eccentric performer in which he announced his intention to abandon the moniker "Prince" once again and replace it with a hand gesture. The gesture, demonstrated by the spokesperson for a select gathering of music journalists, involves extending the ring and pinky fingers of each hand and waving them behind one's head in a fluid motion. According to the statement, "I have chosen 4 the future 2 emancipate myself from the name 'Prince', which is a restrictive title no longer representative of my artistic vision. I hope u will begin 2 respect my new identity by using the designated gesture when referring 2 me." Fans are directed to view the gesture on the artist's website, 3121.com.