BALTIMORE - 33-year-old Michelle Buchanan expressed both shock and disappointment to friends and family members recently after realizing an ex-boyfriend had broken up with her using lyrics from the 1977 Dave Mason hit "We Just Disagree."  Buchanan claims to have made the discovery while watching a half-hour infomercial for Time-Life Music's "Singers and Songwriters" CD collection.  "At first I thought it was kinda sweet," Buchanan explained.  "But then I heard the song and became sick to my stomach."  According to reports, ex-boyfriend Mark Caldwell included "So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye" in his text message to Buchanan, and concluded with "We were friends, but now it's the end of our love song."  Caldwell could not be reached for comment.

17 Years Later, Man Laments Jesus Jones Tattoo

CLEVELAND - Chalking it up to "being young and stupid", accountant David Schrieber harbors nothing but regret and embarassment at the large "smiling devil" tattoo conspicuously inked on the back of his neck above the words "Jesus Jones", a reference to the 90's alternative pop band of the same name. Schreiber's artwork, which he admits "seemed really cool at the time", has been the source of much ridicule and teasing by his colleagues, family and acquaintences. Jesus Jones charted in 1990 with their only hit "Right Here, Right Now" and vanished from the pop landscape in the wake of grunge. "I really thought they'd have more staying power," Schreiber offers sheepishly in his own defense. "I mean, Doubt (the band's 1990 album) was a classic." Despite the flak his tattoo has caused him, Schreiber maintains his sense of humor and smiles goodnaturedly when strangers ask to see his "Soup Dragons", "EMF", or "Happy Mondays" ink.

Jennifer Lopez Files For Credibility Bankrupcy

NEW YORK - Citing record levels of ego liability compared with a zero balance in integrity capital, it's being reported that Jennifer Lopez has filed for credibility bankrupcy in New York City's U.S. District Court.  According to a press release, use of the song titles "Mile In These Shoes" and "Brave" on her latest album have failed to generate any positive reputation returns, thus depleting what little integrity capital remained.  The statement went on to say while the artist is taking steps to reduce self-image liability levels, the cutbacks haven't been enough to offset steep declines in credibility following the release of the single "Jenny From The Block" back in 2002.  Lopez hopes to be back in the black by the end of the decade, but has released no official timetable for her turnaround.

Subservient Males Announce Plans For "Wuss-stock" Festival

LOS ANGELES - Plans for a wholesome three-day outdoor festival showcasing America's most accomplished soft rock artists were announced by a contingency of self-described "clean-cut, church-going family men." The event, to be held in August at the L.A Coleseum, will feature such non-threatening acts as Dan Fogelberg, James Taylor, Kenny Loggins, Phil Collins, Joshua Kadison, Air Supply, Little River Band, Toto, Peter Cetera, Dan Hill, Michael Bolton, Chris DeBerg, Lonestar, Lionel Ritchie and a reunited Sheriff, who will devote an entire set to their smash hit "When I'm With You".

Filmmaker Miffed That Seeger Documentary Has Not Generated More Folk Appreciation

SAN FRANCISCO - In a recent interview with Spin magazine, filmmaker Jim Brown expressed frustration that his documentary "Pete Seeger: The Power Of Song" has failed to generate any added appreciation of folk music among the general public.  "I honestly don't know what else I have to do to get through to you people," Brown vented.  "Dammit, how long before Americans finally realize the genius of folk artists like Seeger and Guthrie?"  Bruce Springsteen says he understand's Brown's irritation, and having experienced similar circumstances after the release of his 2006 album "We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions", isn't shocked by the film's cold reception.  "You have any idea how many fans asked me if 'Night Moves' was gonna be on that album?"

Washed-Up Rock Bands Prepare For Another Long Offseason

CHICAGO - Following another summer concert season full of recycled music from before many attendees were born, several rock bands are now looking forward to some much-needed rest.  "We achieved a lot this year" REO Speedwagon's Neal Doughty told reporters outside the band's clubhouse on Monday.  "Are we disappointed with the past month's performance?  Sure.  But it's something we plan to work on for 2008.  Now we just need to work on getting healthy."  Slaughter's Dana Strum echoed similar sentiments.  "We did some good things in 2007, but didn't get it done when it mattered.  Hopefully we learn from our mistakes and move forward."  While more successful bands continue into the postseason at various clubs and arenas, many classic rock and hair bands will spend the winter looking to next year and the promise of improved fortunes.  "We put ourselves in this position" The Romantics' Coz Canler lamented.  "Next season, we just need to work a little harder and become more focused down the stretch."