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New Zepp Drummer Bonham Bristles At "'Lil Bonzo" Tag
LONDON - Jason Bonham, son of late Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, has allegedly threatened to withdraw from a proposed worldwide reunion tour with his father's former bandmates Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones if they continue to address him as "'Lil Bonzo." According to inside sources, the elder musicians have taken to calling the younger Bonham by this nickname as a course of habit, despite the drummer repeatedly expressing his displeasure. Bonham's manager informed the press that his client "takes great umbrage" at the insulting moniker and considers it a slight against his reputation as an "exemplary drummer in his own right". Plant, when questioned by reporters, downplayed the controversy and stated "The kid's just anxious about filling his dad's shoes. If I know 'Lil Bonzo he'll be fine once he gets a few gigs under his belt." Jimmy Page also made light of any friction, calling the offending name "a term of endearment" and insisted "there is no animosity whatsoever between the three of us and John's boy."
Fans of R.E.M File Class-Action Lawsuit
ATLANTA - Fans of alternative rockers R.E.M have filed a class-action lawsuit seeking over 1 million dollars in restitution for the significant erosion of the band's credibility and image over the past two decades, culminating in the band's poorly received 2007 album R.E.M Live. The complaint alleges a serious violation of fans' goodwill and trust commencing in 1991 with the release of the substandard Out Of Time album and the nauseating Kate Pierson collaboration "Shiny Happy People". The suit contends R.E.M continued to misrepresent themselves with the equally disappointing Monster album, the inconsistent New Adventures In Hi-Fi album, and the inexcusably awful Up, Reveal and Around The Sun albums which failed to even approximate the bands classic 80's formula. The class period is from the March 12, 1991 release of Out Of Time through the October 16th 2007 release of R.E.M Live. A lawyer for the plaintiff confirmed that the final straw which prompted the suit was the inclusion of only one song from the band's seminal 80's glory years on the recent two-disc R.E.M Live compilation. "The fact that the band chose to outright ignore their classic period and included only the marginally popular Life's Rich Pagaent track 'Cuyahoga' to represent their 1980's catalogue is a slap in the face to devoted fans everywhere and will not be tolerated." R.E.M gained notoriety in the early 80's as college radio favorites with a retro folk-rock sound distinguished by melodic, jangly guitars and Stipe's indecipherable vocals. In the 90's R.E.M began pursuing a more eclectic pop sound and struggled to maintain it's loyal following in the wake of grunge and the departure of drummer Bill Berry. One of the litigants, long-time fan Sheila Robinson, spoke to reporters and offered a blunt assessment of the bands recent artistic struggles. "As far as I'm concerned everything after Green blows. Once Stipe cut his hair and came out of the closet they really started to suck." Another long-time fan, Boston resident Tom Carlson offered that "Automatic For The People was pretty solid but it still doesn't sound like R.E.M in the classic sense. Once Berry left and they put out that piece of sh*t Up album I was pretty much done."
Remaining Spears Sibling Also Confirmed Pregnant
BATON ROUGE - Adding yet another twist to the already shocking Spears family saga, brother Bryan Spears has confirmed that he also is pregnant. Bryan, who acts as manager for sisters Britney and Jamie Lynn, announced he is 6-weeks into his first pregnancy, with an expected due date in late summer 2008. Speaking through a family representative, Spears expressed "genuine happiness" towards his pending motherhood, and asked that the media respect the family's privacy at this time. Neither sister could be reached for comment.
Band Aid to Re-Release Famine Relief Anthem for 2008
LONDON - In a press release yesterday, musician-turned-activist Bob Geldof announced his intentions for recording an updated take on his supergroup Band Aid's 23-year-old famine relief anthem "Do They Know It's Christmas?" entitled "Do They Know It's A Non-denominational Pre-New Year Holiday?". Scheduled for release in time for the 2008 holiday season, Geldof is reportedly working on finalizing a new cast of British musicians to perform the track, which currently includes Robbie Williams, The Scissor Sisters, and selected members of The Kaiser Chiefs. When reached for comment, original co-writer Midge Ure expressed disappointment in what he called Geldof's "watering-down" of the duo's classic. "(Geldof) is essentially taking a lovely track and reducing it to rubbish" Ure told reporters via telephone. "When he asked for my assistance, I told him to bog off and that I wanted no bloody part of it." The song's proceeds will go to a host of non-profit organizations who help feed the hungry in impovershed nations across Asia and Africa.
Naughty by Nature "F**king Pi**ed" At Fans' Indifference Towards Comeback
NEW YORK - Despite repeated statements in the media hinting at a possible new album and accompanying tour, fans have shown little interest and according to rapper Treach, he and his fellow bandmates are "f**king pi**ed, dog." In a recent interview with Blender magazine, the rapper called his fans "sellouts" and expressed profound anger at their lack of interest in a comeback. "Y'all was lined up for hours to get tickets back in the day when we was blowin' up. What's up now? All y'all forget about 1993? Y'all too good for Naughty? Y'all don't care about this new sh!t we about to bust out?" Treach also unleashed a tirade of profanity after being informed that the New Jersey trio's fan club disbanded back in 1999. "Man, that's some f**ked up s**t" the rapper stated. "Bunch of punk-a** b**ches if you ask me. Who needs them." Regardless of fans' apathy, Treach says the group is committed to moving forward and "doing what they do".
Washed-Up Musicians Anxiously Await Next Natural Disaster
LOS ANGELES - According to a recent study, a record number of has-been music artists are banking on a natural disaster relief concert to be their next-big ticket back into the spotlight. Due to the significant amounts of publicity garnered by the 2004 Indian Ocean Earthquake and 2005's Hurricane Katrina, the natural disaster concert has leapfrogged celebrity death memorial and African blight charity concerts to become the number-one career jumpstarter. "I'd be lying if I said our album sales didn't experience a brief upswing following our appearance at the tsunami relief concert" Silverchair frontman Daniel Johns stated. "Sure we wanted to help out, but we were also inbetween albums and a little short on cash." Others see no problem with achieving stardom at the expense of the less-fortunate. "Is it superficial to pray for human suffering in order to better my career? Yeah, probably," singer Nick Lachey reported, "but i've got bills to pay just like everybody else."
Paul Young Tired Of Being Confused With John Parr
MANCHESTER - 80's crooner Paul Young has become fed up with fans mistaking him as the vocalist on the 1985 smash hit "St. Elmo's Fire (Man In Motion)". In a recent interview, Young lashed-out at the blunder, stating "So help me if one more rube off the street tells me how much they loved that stupid song." Young went on to fume "I was in bloody Band Aid for Christ's sake and had multiple songs reach number one, yet people still want to confuse me with that bloke. I don't recall seeing him on stage at the Freddie Mercury tribute concert." Although both singers hail from England and are known for their raspy-yet-sultry voices, Young argues that the similarities stop there. "Parr wouldn't know a hit record if it bit him on the arse," he continued. "You think HE could've gotten away with remaking 'Oh Girl' and 'What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted'? Not bloody likely." Young went on to claim that throughout the 80's, it wasn't uncommon for him to also be confused with the likes of Robert Palmer, Bryan Adams, and the lead singer from the Cutting Crew.
Four Tops Song Sets TV Promotion Record
DETROIT - Motown legends The Four Tops recently set a new record when their 1966 hit "Reach Out (I'll Be There)" made its 500th appearance in a TV commercial. The song narrowly edged out Blondie's "One Way Or Another" for promotional supremacy, and currently appears in an ad for Brinks Home Security accompanied by the tagline "You Can't Put A Price On Peace Of Mind". Representatives from Brinks and ad agency Miller & Caldwell were on hand to present the artists with a plaque commemorating the milestone. Speaking on the group's behalf, founding member Abdul "Duke" Fakir expressed "an enormous sense of pride that our song has brought so much joy over the years to car insurance customers, pet owners, and hemmoroid sufferers everywhere."
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