Back After A Long Hiatus
Before you start yelling, let me explain. First, YES I owe you an apology so let me start off by saying how sorry I am. Secondly, I promise you i'm back for good and won't be pulling any shenanigans like this again. But this is something that had to be done. Look, i'm not proud of my actions but Lord knows i'm not getting any younger and if I didn't do this now, then I feared i'd never do it. Aren't you the one who always said to "follow your dreams"? Well I did...and while fronting a Shalamar tribute band may not be YOUR dream, it happened to be mine - and I don't regret attempting it for a second. Do I regret saving "Dancing In The Sheets" for the encore that never happened while in Akron? A little bit. Do I regret growing a moustache? Not for a second. I know time is the only thing that will heal your wounds, but i've got plenty of it - so let's put this ugly episode behind us and focus on a future full of wonderful Blogs like we once knew.
Stevie B or Timmy T? An Early 90's Freestyle Showdown For The Ages
If you were under-20, had a greasy gelled mullet and wore white shorts in the early 1990's, odds are you were a fan of either Stevie B or Timmy T. And much like The Beatles and the Rolling Stones, people were in one of the two camps - NEVER both. Stevie B was more popular among female mall rats with high, spritzed bangs and guys willing to sacrifice everything - including their dignity - for the sake of "getting with" these types of girls. In contrast, Timmy T was popular among guys whose parents bought them a Geo Tracker or Honda CSX so long as they agreed to stay away from listening to "that damn jungle music." Stevie B reached #1 with 1990's anti-testosterone anthem "Because I Love You (The Postman Song)", and not to be outdone, Timmy T matched the feat one year later with the equally-sappy "One More Try". For years, the debate has raged over which one was the undisputed Prince of Freestyle - and legitimate arguments can be made for why each one deserves the honor. However in the end, I think we can all agree that both these young men had minimal talent and ultimately capitalized on a weak point in musical history that will likely be known as the "Post 80's Pre-Grunge Dark Age."
Quite Frankly iTunes, I've Put Up With Enough Of Your Crap
Let's be honest - things between us have been strained for a while. I can't put my finger on what happened, but quite frankly iTunes, I've put up with enough of your crap. Remember when we first met? I instantlly fell in love with your appearance and how being around you made me feel so at ease. I don't recall ever feeling that way about a music program before. But then something changed. Maybe it was the incessant software updates. Perhaps it was your rather un-creative and predictable shuffling. Regardless, I was willing to overlook these minor faults because to me, you were still the best thing out there. It wasn't until songs started turning up missing on my iPod after periodic syncs that it became clear you and I were not destined to be together. If you truly loved me, you wouldn't act that way. So, it's probably for the best if we break things off...you know, spend some time apart to re-discover who we are. Maybe after a while we'll both be ready to try again. But for now, let's just go our separate ways.
What Am I Doing With That Color Me Badd CD? I Can Explain...
What am I doing with that Color Me Badd CD? Calm down, it's not what you think. This guy I work with snuck it into my briefcase as a joke and I haven't gotten around to giving it back yet. Have I listened to it? HELL no, are you kidding? But I noticed it's got "I Adore Mi Amor" and "All 4 Love" on there. Too funny. You gotta admit you kinda liked them back in the day. You didn't? Not even a little bit? Me either...those guys were totally f***ing lame, huh? But I bet they snagged all sorts of chicks. You don't think so? I do. Hot chicks were really into those dudes back then. I even knew some guys who bought the New Jack City Soundtrack just because "I Wanna Sex You Up" was on there and it was guaranteed to help you get laid...at least I think I remember it being on there, but who knows...that was so long ago. Where's the disc? How should I know, it probably fell out or something. Yeah, it's in my car stereo right now, ha ha very funny. I can't believe you're so hard on them - it's not like they were THAT bad. I'm not sticking up for them and NO I DON'T like them I just think you're being a little hard on them. I mean hell, they made more money than you or I will ever make. Dude SHUTUP, I am not a closet CMB fan - YOU probably are you just aren't man enough to admit it. Whatever dude, i'll see you later.
Dude, I Drank Way Too Much At That F***ing Skynard Concert
Dude, I don't know what the f*** I was thinking, but I drank way too much at the Skynard concert. Last thing I remember is walking to the car after that chick popped her top...the rest is a blur. They played "Gimme Three Steps" during the encore, right? I think I remember, but that seemed like it was the beginning of the show. I ever find those f***ing dudes with the bottle of Jack, i'm gonna give 'em hell. I thought for sure that 30-pack of Coors was gonna last longer than that...I almost wish Ricky hadn't f***ing shown up because then I might've stopped drinkin'. How you holdin' up? I was a little worried when you started spitting up after that pinch of Skoal...I thought for sure you were gonna puke. That nasty chick was all over you in the parking lot...I warned you about giving out beers to skanks. Ah well, f*** it dude...I gotta go get ready for work.
An Explanation For Our Inability To Provide A Musical Comparison Between The Milky Way & Seyfert's Sextet
We've received a lot of emails recently requesting a galactical comparison between the music of the Milky Way and that of Seyfert's Sextet. So, we felt obligated to provide our loyal readers with an explanation of why we are currently unable to provide such a comparison. For starters, the interstellar clouds between the sub-galaxies NGC 6027a and NGC 6027b of Seyfert's Sextet often interfere with signal transmission, making modulation analysis extremely difficult. In addition, once gravitational interaction ceases after the next 100 eon's or so, Seyfert's Sextet's merger into a single, elliptical form will provide an unfair articulational advantage over the Milky Way. Finally, we all know the Milky Way's bar runs through the galactical center at a 44 ± 10 degree angle, thus creating a laundry list of research obstacles - many of which are probably obvious to you the reader. So, for the time being, we hope you will be satisfied with our current intragalactic reviews and comparisons, and we urge you to check back often for updates on our extragalactical progress.
An Open Letter To P.M. Dawn
My dearest Attrell C.,
First, let me thank you for your contributions to modern music. Your album Of the Heart, of the Soul, and of the Cross: The Utopian Experience was nothing short of genius. Sure, one could argue that you owe much of your success to the artists whose music you routinely sampled, but i'm not here to argue that point. Rather, i'm here to discuss the somewhat shocking information I discovered on your Wikipedia page - P.M. Dawn is used in the PRESENT tense. Meaning, the band is still together. If you'll hear me out, I believe I can present three pretty convincing arguments for why it's time you hang it up. First, you haven't released a single in nearly six years. Second, your last album was over ten years ago. And finally, your decision to insert your cousin "D.J. Giggles" into the group after your brother / co-founder's departure in 2005 was faulty at best. It's obvious you're doing nothing more than "jumping the shark" at this point, and I encourage you to please disband P.M. Dawn immediately, a move that I feel provides you with the best opportunity to maintain what little dignity you have left.
Warmest Regards,
The Stove Capital Staff
See, That's Where You're Wrong: Guns N' Roses Was Not A Hairband, Bro
Alright i'll concede your point that Axl Rose's hair put him on the same level as the Vince Neil's and Brent Michaels's of the day. And i'm also willing to admit that "Paradise City" did sound a little like the stuff from Warrant, Cinderella, or whoever else. And yes, they were from L.A. But here's what i'm saying: Take a listen to the second half of "Sweet Child 'o Mine" man. None of the other hairbands sounded like that. And what about "November Rain"? You mean to tell me Vixen, Ratt, or Whitesnake were capable of something like that? Oh please. And you trying to say Slash was on the same level as C.C. DeVille? Dude, you're dreaming. Next thing you'll be telling me the Black Crowes were a hairband. Exactly. Just because Nirvana killed your rock career doesn't mean you were a hairband, bro.
Happy Christmas And A Happy New Year To All Our Readers
Here's a special message we want to wish those of you who take time out of your busy lives to regularly - or perhaps only occasionally - well I guess the frequency really doesn't matter, so long as you're visiting...we honestly don't care either way...I mean we DO care that you visit the site, I just mean we don't care how often - wait, that's a lie, we DO care, we just don't wanna make it sound like we only want people visitng the site if they're going to do it regularly, because ANY web traffic is GOOD traffic, right? So please don't feel like we're harboring any ill feelings towards you if you can only visit now and then - G*DDAMMIT I knew i'd find a way to mess this up...I swear i'm no good at this sorta thing, never was. ANYWAY, here's our special message to our special readers: We wish you a very Happy Christmas and a Happy New Ye- WAIT Wait wait, we mean a MERRY Christmas and a Happy New Year. Ya know what, this is a disgrace...you honestly deserve better. Thanks all, see you in 2008.
What Christmas Means To Me
For many people, Christmas is a time for reflection. Each year as the holidays draw near, I like to think back on my childhood and the things that made Christmas so special. The season always kicked-off with the decorating of our family Christmas tree. I so vividly remember my father consuming anywhere between 8 and 12 beers while attempting to assemble the tree stand, before finally storming off in an obscenity-laden tirade which always ended with my mother finishing the job while he took a nap. I never seemed to mind being forced to stand outside without a jacket anytime I broke an ornament or lost a hook - the driven snow and numb fingertips always got me in the Christmas spirit. Or there was the tradition of cutting up carrots for santa's reindeer on Christmas Eve, and my father threatening to cut us all up in a similar fashion if we didn't quiet down. Christmas morning was always magical. My brother and I would try to sneak downstairs without waking my parents to catch a glimpse at what Santa brought. Inevitably, our father would wake up somehow, threaten us with a belt, and demand that we get back in bed until he and my mother were up. By early afternoon, he would emerge from their bedroom after shaking-off the previous night's alcoholic fog and we would all head to the living room to open presents. We were always told St. Nick worked with my father, which explained why we typically received reams of "Campbell Machining" letterhead, a coffee mug emblazoned with the company logo, and manilla folders. As my own children grow older, I pray that one day they will have similar lasting memories of the holidays, and that their own therapists will do an equally as impressive job of convincing them that it's not their fault.
Thanks For Ruining Nostalgia, Scorsese
The other day while scanning radio stations during my early morning commute I stumbled upon one of my favorite psychedelic nuggets from the sixties, Donovan's "Atlantis". As the song's majestic chorus washed over me, however, the mental image conjured was not one of an intimate undersea rendevous with a fair maiden amid the ruins of a fabled Atlantean civilization but rather Joe Pesci, spattered in gore, violently stomping the head of wiseguy bigmouth Billy Batts. Back in the 70's I lost my virginity to the powerful strains of Eric Clapton's epic ode to unrequited love "Layla", however now it's impossible to hear the song without picturing a ghastly collage of bloody corpses murdered execution-style at the behest of Robert DeNiro's Goodfellas character Jimmy Conway. Speaking of Clapton, Cream's "Sunshine Of Your Love" used to instantly take me back to that magical summer of love, 1967. When I hear that song now the only feeling I get is an eerie premonition that a certain toupee-peddling shmuck named Morrie Kessler is about five minutes from getting whacked for stiffing Conway. The Rolling Stones' "Monkee Man", once a favorite track off Let It Bleed, is now ingrained in my consciousness as the sound of Ray Liotta's reckless Henry Hill engaged in a cocaine-fueled frenzy of sex and drugs. Nothing like having the soundtrack to your youth hijacked in the span of two hours. Thanks for nothing, Scorsese, you bastard.
In Memorium: That Dude From Quiet Riot
Dude, wanna hear something totally messed up? That dude from Quiet Riot's dead! No, not the dude with the bangs, the dude with the suspenders and thinning hair who recently started wearing that wig hoping nobody would notice. Seriously! Dude was dead for six days before anybody found him. 52 years old and the dude's gone. Dude i'm seriously bummed. Cum On Feel The Noize...Metal Health...Mama Weer All Crazee Now...dude had some pipes. No doubt the dude's rockin' up in heaven with Randy Rhoads, John Bonham, and that dude Vince Neil killed. Dude, you imagine listening to them rock out? Randy's up there wailing on his axe "dum dum dum DAAA dum dum dum" and Bonzo's pounding the drums and dude's singin' "We'll get wild! Wild! Wild!!" and i'm all like "YYYYYEEEAAAHHHH!!!". Too cool, dude. Anyway, just thought you should know. Hey, mind if I bum a smoke?
Ranking The Lite-Rock Superhunks
The mid-1970's through early 1990's were the glory years for any man with beard and a halfway-decent voice who was capable of writing sensitive songs that made women swoon and other men wanna throw up. Here's our list of the Top 5 All-Time Lite-Rock Superhunks:
5. - Dan Hill
Dan originally stole the hearts of middle-aged divorcees everywhere with his 1977 hit "Sometimes When We Touch", and showed his staying power ten years later with the duet "Can't We Try".
4. - Eric Carmen
1976's "All By Myself" may have set the gold standard for the sappy, self-pitying ballad, however Carmen was docked style points for the trans-gender popularity of 1988's "Make Me Lose Control".
3. - Richard Marx
While his hits "Hold Onto The Nights" and "Right Here Waiting" often put him at the top of women's lists, his up-tempo singles "Should've Known Better" and "Don't Mean Nothing" prevent him from reaching the necessary sensitivity level required for this list.
2. - Dan Fogelberg
Piercing blue eyes, a perfectly-groomed beard, and hits like "Longer" and "Make Love Stay". So what keeps him from the top spot you ask? Unfortunately, Mr. Fogelberg has been know to dabble in Bluegrass music, which doesn't typically result in an on-stage pile of panties.
1. - Michael Bolton
Bolton's long, blonde locks and sultry voice took menopausal America by storm, and his name became synonomous with unrealistic male expectations. His soft & tender discography includes the classics "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You", "When A Man Loves A Woman", and "To Love Somebody" - all perfect gems.
I'm Sorry, But That New Song Sucks
I can't even believe that new song hit number one. It sucks! They can't even sing, the melody is stupid, and it sounds just like that other old song from a few years ago. I don't even understand the point of it...what does that chorus even mean? Stop whining already and come up with a newer song that doesn't suck so bad. I could come up with a better song in my sleep. The only reason anyone even likes it is because it sounds like what's-her-name, other than that it's terrible. I'm gonna stop writing now before I throw up.
America Needs A New Novelty Song
In case anyone's counting, it's been 45 years since The Monster Mash, 32 years since Convoy, 24 years since The Curly Shuffle, and 12 years since The Macarena. What happened? Has this country lost all its creativity? Where's the next Disco Duck? Or what about The Bartman? When will my children get their equivalent to Don't Worry, Be Happy? Or The Rappin' Duke? Would it kill somebody to come up with the next Fish Heads? Or why hasn't anyone considered writing a modern-day Hot Rod Lincoln? Dammit, I want a new Basketball Jones! I need another Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah! Oh well, perhaps i'm just a cranky old coot desperately holding onto the past...if anybody needs me, i'll be in my room playing my old King Tut record.
Take THIS, Adam Graham
In a recent article on The Detroit News' website, writer Adam Graham listed the first 5 songs that randomly came up on his iPod, along with a brief description of each (shockingly, the software generated five different songs from 5 different artists). Well any monkey can cover 5 songs...eat your heart out, Adam:
1. Ryan Adams: "Thank You Louise" - One of many Adams tracks off the Love Is Hell album that couples a pretty acoustic melody with depressing subject matter.
2. Roxy Music: "Over You" - Definitely one of my all-time Roxy favorites, featuring an extremely catchy tune that builds up to a great, drawn-out instrumental ending. Love it.
3. The Police: "Invisible Sun" - The third track off the Ghost In The Machine album, this uncharacteristically dark song brought an otherwise bouncy, reggae-pop record to a grinding halt. Just fantastic.
4. Interpol: "Rest My Chemistry" - The song that single-handedly salvaged my opinion of the Our Love To Admire album, thanks to a great guitar lick and some funny, offbeat lyrics. Vintage Interpol.
5. Death Cab For Cutie: "Brothers On A Hotel Bed" - Definitely my favorite song off the Plans LP. A beautiful bummer of a song about growing apart...not a song you want played at your wedding.
6. Elliot Smith: Coming Up Roses: A great early ES track that provides glimpses at some of the great things to come on his later albums (i.e. harmonies, instrumentation).
New Jack Swing: 20 Years Later
As we approach the 20th anniversary of America's first exposure to New Jack Swing, it's nice to know that websites like www.njs4ever.com are finally giving this musical movement it's proper due. Whether or not most people are willing to admit it, NJS ruled urban radio waves from 1987-1991 and produced such memorable hits as "Just Got Paid" by Johnny Kemp, "Keep On Movin'" by Soul II Soul, and "Nite And Day" by Al B. Sure. With its electro-synthed rhythms and tightly-harmonized vocals, NJS took the country by storm and had white kids everywhere wearing silk shirts and doing the "running man". While remnants of this by-gone era can still be found today thanks to syndicated reruns of "A Different World" and "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air", little mention is made anymore about this wonderful era and its impact on society. Here's hoping somebody at one of the TV networks finally wakes up and makes a couple phone calls to Tony! Toni! Toné! and Guy so New Jack Swing fans everywhere can finally get the primetime tribue special they deserve.
Ignorant Parents Learn A Tough Lesson About Supply & Demand
According to Yahoo! Music (http://music.yahoo.com), the average ticket for Hannah "Miley Montana" Cirus' upcoming tour is being resold for $214 - compared with $184 for Justin Timberlake and $193 for Beyonce. Soccer moms and pre-pubescent spoiled brats everywhere are in an uproar, furious over what they're calling "yet another un-wanted intrusion of reality" into their everyday lives.
Paige Nace, 35, hoped to take her daughter to see Miley at the Arena at Gwinnet Center outside of Atlanta but refuses to pay such exhorbinant prices. "I feel like they are ripping off children," Nace said. "I'm sure there are parents out there that would pay that much. But the rest of us shouldn't be penalized for that." When asked what she would propose to stop similar situations from occurring in the future, Nace replied "I don't know. Make it illegal or something."
Richie Sambora Goes Back To Rehab
News broke yesterday afternoon that Richie Sambora has checked himself into the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah for "on-going" alcohol-related treatment. On Yahoo.com's "omg!" entertainment site (http://omg.yahoo.com), music fans quickly began posting comments in a rather spririted debate over the sincerity of Sambora's rehabilitation efforts. In one of the more compelling arguments on the rocker's behalf, user "Michelle C" wrote:
"good for him I guess..I smell hookup in the bathroom with Linds"
However, a multitude of other visitors felt perhaps Sambora was using rehab as a publicity stunt, or else an effort to escape legal repercussions. As user "A A" put it:
"I will drink a few for you while you are in rehab! MMMM nothing like a big bottle of vodka! YUM"
A cry for help or just another half-hearted effort? Apparently the jury is still out...
SHOCKER! Ex-Bodyguard Claims Spears Used Drugs
In a shocking announcement on NBC's "Today" show that stands to shake the music industry to it's core, Britney Spears' ex-bodyguard Tony Baretto claims he witnessed the singer using drugs at a night club. Baretto did not state which specific drugs Spears had consumed, only that he saw her take them twice in one night shortly after exiting rehab. When asked what else he's seen in his experiences as a bodyguard, Baretto went on to reveal that Mel Gibson has a drinking problem, Michael Richards is a borderline racist, and that he's suspected several of Liza Minelli's husbands were homosexual.
Fussin' & Feudin': Best Of The Best
Over the course of history, music and fueds have gone hand in hand. Most recently, rebel-rockers Kid Rock and Tommy Lee have been generating a ton of press due to their altercation at the 2007 MTV VMA's. Other famous fueds include Biggie & Tupac, Lennon & McCartney, Toby Keith & The Dixie Chicks, and basically any combination of members from the rap group N.W.A. But perhaps the greatest feud of our generation, and one that often gets overlooked, is the one between Jim Seals and Dan Crofts.
Best known for the early 1970's hits "Summer Breeze" and "Diamond Girl", the duo went through an ugly separation after word got out that Crofts participated in an impromptu recording session with John Ford Coley (Bad blood had existed between Coley and Seals since the mid-70's when Coley went on record as saying England Dan (Seals) was the only Seals brother who had "any semblance of talent" - tensions eventually came to a head at the 1978 Grammy Awards when cameras caught the two rolling on the floor in a sort of ham-fisted wrestling match.). During a photo shoot in the spring of 1980 for their upcoming album Lote Tree, Seals slapped Crofts in the face and called him "worse than Judas and that Benedict fella combined."
The two parted company shortly thereafter, and Dan Crofts retaliated with a song off his solo debut entitled "Go To Hell, Jim." Barbs were traded back and forth in the media throughout much of the 80's and early 90's, but the men eventually reconciled in 1997 and even began recording again. While the two are able to look back and laugh today, rock historians regularly classify their 17-year dispute as one of the longest and bloodiest in all of music.
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