Yankee Candle to Introduce New Line of 'Rock Star' Scents
BOSTON - The Yankee Candle Company announced today that they are introducing a controversial line of "Rock Star" candles. With new scents like "Smoky Hotel Room", "Whiskey Vomit", and "Pachouli", company spokeswoman Lynn Browning states that Yankee Candle is aiming to "explore a segment of the market that until now, had remained basically un-tapped." Citing the immense popularity of rock & roll-related merchandise varying from energy drinks to video games, Browning defends the company's decision to launch the new product line and admits "while these scents may not cater to many of our existing customers, we're confident they will attract new customers who otherwise may not have considered a Yankee Candle purchase."
RIAA Adopts New Inexplicit Content Warning Label
NEW YORK - Artists for the Preservation of Hip-Hop Music have successfully lobbied the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) for the mandatory addition of a new product advisory which notifies consumers of any audio recordings where offensive lyrics have been removed. Citing "unfair discrimination perpetrated by the Parents Music Resource Center," (who introduced the original Parental Advisory label in 1985), the APHHM first began applying pressure to institute the new warning label in late 2007. After months of protests and angry letters from hip-hop artists and fans alike, the RIAA finally decided to adopt the new advisory late last month. "All we ask is for equal treatment," stated Eugene Robinson, president of the APHHM. "If the RIAA deems it necessary to warn consumers when a hip-hop record contains explicit lyrics, it's also important that those same consumers get warned when explicit lyrics are replaced with something less offensive."
Republicans Divided on Punk Aid
WASHINGTON D.C. - As Senate staff members worked through the weekend to draft legislation for a taxpaper rescue of imperiled pop-punk bands, Republicans who have the power to scuttle the plan offered mixed reactions to the preliminary details on Saturday. Senator Robert Harmon, Republican of Kansas said he was pleased. "I'm glad the Democratic leadership has embraced the principles of holding punk bands accountable and protecting taxpayers," Harmon said in a statement.
But Sen. Edward Kinney, R-Tenn., who sharply questioned members of the bands Blink-182, Good Charlotte, and Yellowcard at a hearing on Thursday, said he was unhappy with the way the plan seemed to be shaping up. "Based on the outline we've seen so far, we are disappointed," Kinney said in a statement. He reiterated his demands that pop-punk bands make aggressive efforts to record albums more frequently and reduce their spending on trendy tattoos and piercings. "these are the same types of conditions a bankruptcy judge might require to ensure that these bands become viable and sustainable into the future," Kinney said. "And if they will agree to these terms, then we have something to talk about."
The Republican leader, Sen. Steven Webster of Georgia, said he would be looking for strong taxpayer protections in the bill. "I look forward to reviewing the legislation being drafted to address the difficulties in our music industry," Webster said. "As we consider this legislation, our first priority must be to protect the hard-earned money of the American taxpayer."
Disney Announces HSM Spin-Off
ORLANDO - The Disney Channel has announced plans for a spin-off to their wildly-successful High School Musical series. Entitled "Community College Musical", the made-for-TV Disney Channel Original Movie will chronicle the lives of four high school friends who, unbeknownst to them, begin attending the same junior college after experiencing an array of post-graduation mishaps and letdowns.
Football star Tad Brampton (Eric Jardin) ends up at Lincoln State after his scholarship is revoked following a night of partying that resulted in a torn ACL. His high school flame Erica Boynton (Alyssa Watts) faces a similar academic future after plans to attend Rhodes Tech are derailed by a positive pregnancy test. Craig Jeffries and Monica Ruiz (John-Paul Hartford and Deena Goldkamp) play intelligent underachievers who are taking pre-requisite courses until able to "transfer to a real university" after a failed entrance exam (Jeffries) and an application that mysteriously never arrives at the admissions office (Ruiz). While neither of the four are particularly happy with their current circumstances, they agree to make the best of the situation by auditioning for the parts in Lincoln's annual fall musical.
CCM is slated to air on the Disney Channel later this year.
Dio Frustrated With Rising Medicare Prices
LOS ANGELES - In a recent interview with Spin magazine, heavy metal icon Ronnie James Dio admitted feeling "dispirited and crestfallen" with rising Medicare prices. The 66-year-old rocker described the federal program's administrators as "masters of illusion," and expressed how the increased costs leave him feeling like "a puppet dancing for eternity." Dio only recently became eligible, but stated how he almost immediately noticed an increase in his premiums. And while he agrees that Medicare is both necessary and beneficial, he questions the validity of the new income-based premium schema. "It's unreal!" Dio quipped. "How long must we toil as slaves to the institution?"
Jonas Brother Admits Insulin Addiction
ORLANDO - Nick Jonas, 14, vocalist, guitarist and drummer for young pop rock band The Jonas Brothers acknowledged for the first time in a televised interview Monday that he has struggled for the past year with an addiction to insulin. Jonas revealed he has been a user since November of 2005 and admitted to "shooting up" as many as three times a day in an effort to mask the withdrawal effects of Type 1 Diabetes, a condition that results when the body does not produce the hormone insulin that is necessary to convert sugar into energy.
Nick, who along with older brothers Kevin, 19, and Joe, 17, perform as Disney's teen pop sensations The Jonas Brothers, thanked his fans for their support and apologized to "anyone he has disappointed."
"I'm really trying to kick this thing and get clean, but it's hard," Jonas confessed, fighting back tears. "I don't want people thinking i'm some sort of raging diabetic with an out-of-control habit." Jonas, who says he fixes regularly with the aid of a dealer his family has come to refer to as "Nick's physician", has spent thousands of dollars feeding his addiction. The young musician cited several unsuccessful attempts at rehab in the past few years, however the withdrawal symptoms which include excessive thirst, blurred vision and irritability, eventually drove him back to the drug.
Nick received gratitude and praise from Tom Stern, chairman-elect of the Diabetes Recovery Foundation, for having the courage to tell his story.
Kool & The Gang To Change Name After Nearly 40 Years
NEW YORK - According to the band's publicist, Kool & The Gang will now be known as simply "The Gang" following immense pressure from anti-tobacco and anti-smoking supporters. Americans Against Tobacco (AAT) and the Association for Smoking Prevention (ASP) have each recently come out against the popular '70's and '80's group, contesting that the moniker is a source of subliminal advertising for Kool brand cigarettes.
"Like Joe Camel, this rock band's name glorifies smoking and poses a serious threat to the health and safety of today's youth," ASP Spokeswoman Carol Avery stated in a recent interview. "We need to send a clear message that this type of social recklessness and irresponsibility will not be tolerated, and I expect similar reactions from Anti-gang activists across the country."
The Gang could not be reached directly for comment, and it is unknown whether the band's decision to cancel several upcoming shows had anything to do with these recent developments.
Chuck E. Cheese Addresses Lip-Sync Scandal
KANSAS CITY - A spokesperson for musician/pizza entrepreneur Chuck E. Cheese admitted in a prepared statement Monday morning that the popular childrens entertainer's performances are lip-synced to pre-recorded music. The statement was read in response to a growing controversy surrounding the authenticity of "live" music performed at Chuck E. Cheese chain pizza restaurants. The Kansas City Star reported in March that angry patrons at a local franchise observed that the oversized mouse's lips were not consistently moving in sync with the vocals, drummer Pasqually P. Pieplate's sticks did not even make contact with his snare drum, and there were no strings on Jasper T. Jowls' guitar. "You could tell it was fake," groused resident Dale Hawkins. "From the minute that mouse opened his giant mouth it was pretty clear he was lip-syncing, and not very well either."
Company spokeswoman Helen Henny asserted that Chuck E. Cheese Inc. has never attempted to disguise the use of backing tracks or the use of fake instruments as props. "The implicit understanding has always been that these are animatronic characters and therefore not held to the same authenticity standards as other performers. We regret any confusion or misunderstanding that our customers may have experienced." Chuck E. Cheese was not made available for comment and did not respond to voicemails left at company headquarters.
Funkytown Tops List Of Most Dangerous Cities
(AP) Funkytown has become the nation's most dangerous city, leapfrogging last year's top two murder capitals Detroit and St. Louis according to Kansas company Morgan Quitno Press' yearly ranking based on FBI crime statistics. Funkytown marketers and criminologists quickly scoffed, dismissing the findings as a sensationalized ranking that capitalizes on the nation's obsession with death and violence. "People are inundated with this type of thing and they read it for what it is," the Funkytown Convention and Visitors Commission's Deborah Bradley said. "If such a ranking were legitimate you wouldn't have such an overwhelming sentiment of people wanting to be taken to Funkytown."
Bradley said the city's roughly 18 million guests each year wouldn't be contemplating moving to - let alone asking to be brought to - a city where rampant crime was a concern. "People come here because they know they can get down, boogie and shake their groove thing. Very few express any reservations about Funkytown's safety."
Dream Police Face Brutality Charges
SAN MATEO - The San Mateo County district attorney's office charged a Dream Police officer with three felony counts of excessive force stemming from an nighttime incident last week. Officer Rick Nielsen, 32, is accused of holding a 20-year-old Daly City man at gunpoint Saturday during an otherwise peaceful dream the victim was having, according to Nocturnal police Sgt. Robin Zander. According to the charges, Nielsen pointed his gun at the man's head and began demanding marshmallows. The officer then drove the man to his ex-girlfriend's house and demanded he paint her garage. The man was never arrested and he awoke uninjured. The official charges are assault with a semi-automatic weapon, brandishing a weapon and assault with intent to cause insanity. Nielsen was dismissed from his assignment inside the victim's head and will be on paid administrative leave pending the conclusion of the case.
Carey To Leapfrog Fab Four, Jesus In Popularity Rankings
NEW YORK - R&B/Hip Hop diva Mariah Carey, on the verge of tying the Beatles for having the most chart-topping hits with her latest single "Touch My Body", is also poised to jump ahead of the Beatles in the latest cultural icon popularity index. The 37-year-old pop singer is currently tied with Jesus for second place, just behind the legendary British rock group from the 1960's. Jesus Christ, who previously held the top spot as "most popular" cultural icon for a record 1,964 years, dropped to second place in 1965 during a controversial wave of "Beatlemania". While the Beatles' vault to #1 resulted in a backlash of record burnings and death threats in 1966, there is likely little in the way of protest should Ms. Carey assume the coveted title. In an interview with Allure magazine, Carey was quick to avoid any disrespectful rhetoric and stated that she "admires both Jesus and the Beatles for having sustained such an incredible level of popularity."
Discovery Of Primitive Tape Cartridge Puzzles Archaeologists
SEATTLE - The recent discovery of a small plastic shell containing tightly-wound spools of magnetic tape believed to contain approximately 60 minutes of sound recordings has archaeologists postulating that this primitive device was once a format for storing prerecorded music. The tiny plastic box, discovered in the drawer of an antique wooden desk purchased at an estate sale several years ago by Seattle resident Warren Hutchins, has the name "Rick Astley" scrawled on one side along with the cryptic message "Whenever You Need Somebody". Archaeologists speculate that this may either be a clue to the identity of the box's owner or else identification of the composer of the music contained on the magnetic tape. "We know that as early as the 1960's magnetic tape of the sort contained in this tiny cartridge was used for data storage purposes and could have conceivably accommodated prerecorded music," said Phyllis Schreiber, an archaeologist at the Arizona State University Technical Research Institute. "As the technology to process the information on this tiny cartridge no longer exists, we may never fully unlock the secrets."
After 36 Years, Lynne Relinquishes Helm of ELO
LOS ANGELES - In a surprise statement, ELO managing director James Lockhart announced that Jeff Lynne is stepping down as conductor of the Electric Light Orchestra. Mr. Lynne, who assumed the position as conductor in 1971, will continue with the ELO as conductor laureate. Replacing Mr. Lynne will be the former associate conductor of the Trans Siberian Orchestra, Jon Olivia. Mr. Olivia is to assume the position beginning with the Orchestra's 2008 season, making his official debut at the opening-night concert on May 10th. "We believe he is going to be a very effective conductor of the Electric Light Orchestra for some time to come," Mr. Lockhart said in his announcement. Mr. Lynne is credited with broadening the audience for the ELO during the 70's by integrating electric and bass guitars, keyboards, and drums into the classical ensemble and for introducing pyrotechnics and futuristic scenery to enhance live performances.
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